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Sometimes in several situations between couples, the conversation reaches a certain point where the actual point is lost and you fight for nothing. Or sometimes there are so many disagreements that you are not able to arrive at an effective conclusion about the situation. Or maybe the approach to a particular topic isn’t correct leading to a misguided conversation. Raised voices where you feel like talking to a wall but all you want is to make things right. We all have been there!
This was just an example of one or two conversations between couples but when there is a series of such conversations happening in day-to-day life, a pressure builds up between couples that needs to blow out for a clearer vision of the importance of a relationship rather than the situation or individual.
There is a trick for the pressure cooker like feeling between you and your partner during a rough patch. This trick is “Time-Out”, this can be a total game changer. It might sound childish to some but it works wonders with adults as well. There are simple steps to inculcate this trick during relationship bumps. Let’s dive deeper:
What Exactly is a Time-Out in a Relationship?
Just imagine watching a movie at home and feel an urge to pee, or get some air during serious moments. Time-out serves like a pause button during movies-it just freezes for a bit for the partners to breathe a little, introspect and get a fresh perspective and resume. Taking a short break is a need when an argument starts to escalate. It does not mean running away from the problem forever or brushing it under the rug, it is about taking some steps back where you both can calm down and come back with clearer minds.
Why Bother with a Time-Out?
Imagine the time where you are trying to have a serious conversation where you are trying to express your feeling of anger or distress- Your heart might start racing, you might start feeling hot, chest feels tight, hands might tremble, shoulders tensed, voice shaky. It becomes tough to think straight, right? That’s your body’s natural “fight-or-flight” response kicking in. It is hard to listen and comprehend what your partner is saying.
A Time-out lets those intense feelings a chance to calm down. It lets the steam out and releases built-up pressure. It gives you a chance to breathe and process your emotions and potentially gain a new perspective on the situation. You will understand that it is not about who is winning or losing the argument, but it is about giving yourselves a better chance to work things out.
The Golden Rules for a Successful Time-Out
For achieving the best results this trick also needs some ground rules to be set just like any other strategy. Here’s how to do it successfully:
1. Talk About It When Things Are Calm
One can not discuss a time out in the middle of an argument! This is a matter of discussion in a calmed state of mind where you both are relaxed and agree about trying it for good. There should be an understanding about why and how Time-out is important to help your relationship.
2. Create a Signal
There should be a predefined simple, clear and respectful way to say that you need a time-out. Phrases like,”Let’s take a break for sometime,” or a gentle hand gesture. It is essential for you both to understand and abide by the boundaries of this time-out signal.
3. Keep it Short and Sweet
Time-out should not be too long. A mere break of 15-30 mins is enough. It is usually just sufficient time to cool down without letting the issue fade away. If you are still not calmed adequately then it is always best to extend the time period, but recircleing is necessary.
4. What to Do During the Break
Use this break time to step away from the situation and do something that helps you in relaxing and clearing your mind. Such as listening to calm music, taking a few deep breaths, going around the block for a short walk or just sitting quietly. Avoid thoughts and actions that may further aggravate your state of mind and make you angrier such as rethinking about the situation and making a checklist of the comebacks that you might use during the next encounter. I know everyone does that! Replaying the argument in mind and thinking of what was left to say and tell.
5. Promise to Come Back
A successful time-out can only happen when the couple agrees to come back and talk about the issue. Time-out doesn’t mean that the problem can be avoided indefinitely. It is crucial to reconnect. In this way your partner will be assured that the problem will be addressed.
Making the “Comeback” Count
Once the calmer state of mind is achieved and the agreed-upon time has passed, you have to carry on with the re-discussion of the issue. The aim of this reattempt should be to promote understanding and find a way ahead, by consciously avoiding the re-escalation of the conflict.
Emphasis should be given on how you feel rather than placing a blame on the counterpart.
Actively listening to the partner by both individuals should be a priority by making a genuine effort to hear and comprehend the partner’s perspective without interrupting or defensiveness.
Empathy plays a vital role, it is stimulated as you try to see in your partner’s eyes even in the case of complete disagreement. This will help you focus on collaborative problem-solving with the ultimate goal of identification of a resolution that both can accept.
This practice may feel a bit strange or childish in the start, but with practice it becomes a powerful tool in the well-being of your relationship. This serves like a rest button that will help you both to step back, breathe and come back with a renewed focus on understanding and love.
Try-it, it might be a game changer you’ve been looking for!
Also Read: The Science of Stepping Back: Why Time-Outs are Essential for Healthy Relationships
References:
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/threads-of-sanity/202504/time-outs-for-couples
https://terryreal.com/articles/10-commandments-of-time-outs/
